


Pretender

by TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation, One Shot, Out of Character, Unrequited Love, VERY Out of Character, author might be a coward who deletes this later, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:12:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25979521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter/pseuds/TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter
Summary: Sometimes you're in a dark place where everyone claims to love you but they can only do that when they have their own versions of you.
Kudos: 7





	Pretender

**Author's Note:**

> This is very OOC (out of character) on purpose. I needed to vent to strangers (since I hate talking about myself so much) so I wrote this. Still, I'll be very vague about a lot of things. I do like all of the characters in the story, I did just change them enough for my purpose. I can't deny that me writing them like this made me dislike them a little haha, but that won't stay. 
> 
> Obligatory: English is not my native language and I didn't read through this many times... enjoy now... I suppose?

**Day 1**

Merlin was sitting up in bed. His eyes were uncomfortably dry and his throat was sore and itchy. The urge to try to scratch it was there but he knew better than to do that. Wouldn't give the "wanted" reaction.

The door opened and his mother peeked in with a smile that disappeared when she realized that he was in fact awake and didn't need to be woken up in whatever way she chose.

"Oh, you're up?"

"Yes".

"Well come down and eat then", she teased and Merlin did as he was told even if he didn't want to.

Not because he wasn't hungry, because he sure was. Almost every time at the dinner table, when mother and son sat in front of each other, he wondered if he would ever be able to gain enough courage to ask her what the point of him eating was. Would she pretend that she didn't know what he was talking about and would be shocked when he reminded her? It didn't matter if she knew what he was talking about because she would never understand. She would just regurgitate the same words, words that had less weight than the particles, only seen in the candlelight, in the air. Afterward, she might hug him and assure him that she loved him and maybe this was one of the times he would actually believe it… and not just think it was a part of his fantasy.

"Full already?" She commented after seeing how little he ate before he asked to be excused from the table.

"I think my body is just becoming accustomed", was his vague answer.

Accustomed to what? She would certainly assume he meant their lack of money that put the food on the table. It wasn't what he meant but he wasn't sure what it could be otherwise. Was he eating less because he just became less hungry with age? Was he less hungry because of the way he was feeling? In a way that didn't make sense. Merlin had felt worse than this when he was younger, a period he called the dark hole. He ate more then… at least that's what he remembered.

After doing his chores he left the house, to air that was much easier to breathe. Merlin loved his mother, of course he did, but he hates being around her. It scared him because he knew that if things continued like this he would end up hating more than her presence. It was disgusting,  _ he  _ was disgusting.

Absentmindedly, Merlin turned to his weird habit of pressing down on his thumbnail and then pulled away the skin from underneath the nail slightly, like it felt like his nail was about to fall off but when he pressed the nail and thumb closer together it felt too tight and he had to pull them apart again. He repeated this motion over and over again, even starting trying to do it with his nails on his right big toe despite the restricted movements and access brought upon by his shoe. Never being satisfied with the position made him irritated at the feeling of things being out of place in his body.

It didn't stop until Will walked by, stopping to ask Merlin for some help with carrying heavy buckets. Merlin of course agreed.

"Thanks, man. Oh, don't take the bigger bucket. No offense but I'm definitely the strongest one by far", Will teased and, with some struggle, gave Merlin the smaller bucket instead.

"Technically I  _ am  _ the stronger one", Merlin dared to lightheartedly tease back with his usual goofy grin.

Making anything even akin to a joke about Merlin's  _ condition  _ was a gamble. He never knew if the other person would be amused, uncomfortable or take it to a more offensive direction. Offensive towards Merlin of course.

Will's smile disappeared for a second before he responded: "Only when you cheat of course. I'm using real muscles, something that actually needs effort".

"Magic needs effort too", Merlin decided to argue instead of being passive. "And just like your  _ supposed  _ muscles, this is also a part of me so it's not cheating. Not just some accessory".

"You know I don't believe that", Will sighed like the conversation was harder for him. "You know I don't see you any differently but I don't understand the magic thing. I've tried to but I don't. I don't see how this is a natural thing to be born with… but I do still support you. I just feel like you're not going to appreciate me lying to you. I care about you".

Merlin smiled, hoping that Will wouldn't notice the hurt in his eyes or how much he was blinking. He might not have been the smartest person but he had never believed that Will was truly supportive. Yes, they both cared immensely for each other, like brothers, but Will seemed to be under the impression that as long as he just said that he was behind Merlin it didn't mean that he truly was. Even if Will wasn't lying about caring, at least not to Merlin. The whole situation was extra ironic since Merlin was sure that Will would be utterly shocked if he was ever told how Merlin actually felt about himself.

Sometimes it made Merlin feel selfish, that he couldn't just take what he could get and "understand Will's perspective" and how "hard it was for him to accept that his friend is a magic user". But then Merlin reminded himself that he was without a doubt the only one of the two who cried himself to sleep over this. And that must mean something, right? It sure didn't make Merlin stand up for himself.

After helping Will, while wanting to get away the entire time he was with him, he made up some excuse about how he was supposed to meet up with Morgana.

"Well I won't keep you two lovebirds from each other", he joked with a smirk and a lamp bulb above his head (that could almost make someone believe that he hadn't made that same joke several times before).

"Are you hoping that it will be funny again if you say it enough times?" Merlin responded with a fake light smile, making sure to keep all of his genuine annoyance hidden so Will wouldn't feel inclined to keep this going.

"Other people think it's funny", was luckily Will's only rebuttal.

"What other people? Am I really the most interesting subject around here?"

"No, but Lady Morgana is, the  _ King's  _ ward. It's quite strange that she talks to you… unless you two-?"

"Some would think that it's weird for you to talk to me too…. Unless are we-?"

"I get it, I get it".

"Good because I have to go now and I appreciate leaving on this note".

"What note?"

"Making you uncomfortable".

Merlin started to walk away, feeling some sense of pride despite his turmoil. It was very awkward to have people suggest that you're interested in a good friend so he hoped this could make Will stop (or else he would continue suggesting that Will wanted to be sexual with him). At least Merlin wanted Will to stop making inappropriate comments about this when Morgana visited the, (which she did rarely but still). Because while Merlin was just mostly annoyed, Morgana could become quite bothered, like it really offended her. He knew that it was because she saw him as a brother and someone suggesting to her that she would be interested in her brother was disgusting, but it wasn't fun when she went into one of those "why I don't find Merlin attractive"- rants. At least she made sure to add how good friends or "siblings" they were often in those but her needing to make everyone knew that they weren't together so badly was excessive. It could have been a sign that she did like him more than she claimed if she hadn't spent a lot of time talking about what kind of men she did like; men who definitely didn't look like him.

Even if Merlin didn't have anything planned with Morgana he still decided to visit her anyway in hope that she was free. That would give him more time away from home… and away from Will of course. Will was his best friend, his brother, but he hated to be around him. In all honesty, she hadn't proved herself to be good company either all the time but it was better.

Some people looked at him weirdly and curiously as he was allowed to enter the castle without hassle. They probably assumed Merlin was a bed warmer or something and he was fine with it since what actually brought him and Morgana together was way more scandalous.

She was pleasantly surprised by seeing him, giving him one of her beautiful bright smiles and a hug, before linking their arms and almost pulling him towards her room. It disappointed him a little bit that he didn't see her half brother Arthur. He liked him for some unspeakable reason. Exactly how much was unclear but it didn't matter; things would remain the same.

Arthur wasn't one of the people who knew about Merlin's magic. Some might have wondered why there were people who knew at all. Merlin had been asked why he wasn't hiding it, why he wasn't faking being a normal human being. Always by those who either didn't understand or didn't  _ truly _ try to understand. But for him, it would be like living in a fantasy. Besides, he didn't want to keep people close that he had to outright lie to… he would be quiet about his true feelings, yes, but not lie.

"You really know how to show up when I need you", was the first thing Morgana told him when the door to her bedroom was closed behind them.

Merlin was glad that he wasn't angry to be here with her this time. A feeling he sometimes had to repress. It was unclear who's fault it was that he felt like that, but he never talked about it since old grudges needed to die.

"I would have suggested that you might be summoning me but I know you don't want to use magic", Merlin said while seating himself comfortably on the edge of her giant bed, sensing that their conversation would be long and serious.

"Is it… is it normal for things to feel worse after the initial discovery?" Morgana asked while walking to the window with the silver train of her dress flowing after her.

It was easier for her to open up when she didn't look at him. He could relate in a sense… or perhaps it didn't count since he generally disliked looking people in the eye and he never tried to start deep conversations about himself… yeah no he supposed he couldn't relate.

"That's what happened to me", Merlin told her encouragingly. "I believe it is normal as it sinks in more how unhappy you actually are. Besides, you also start to understand that this is an important part of you and suppressing it would be the same as suppressing your ability to breathe".

"That makes sense… I just… I thought I could keep this secret without any issues, at least until Uther dies, but it's definitely not going to be that easy… I really am jealous of you", she sighed and finally looked at him. "Your mother is so supportive of you and won't disown you, or worse. Uther will never change his mind and even if I'm not close to him, he is still my father. You're so lucky… ".

"I know I am lucky in comparison to you. I wish I could help more or take you away", Merlin said with genuine sadness in his eyes and anger for her situation.

"I wish that I at least had Arthur but his mind is too poisoned… I know you think he is a prat-".

"He is".

"-But he is a good man who is a really loyal friend".

Merlin had never told her about his conflicted emotions about her brother since he knew she would be just as annoying as Will was about him and her. Her knowing smirk every time Arthur and Merlin were in the same room would give Merlin a premature heart attack, even if Arthur would be too oblivious to notice anything.

"Can he really… nevermind", Merlin stopped himself from asking and she was too distressed to notice the almost slip up. "I think it's easier to convince Arthur than Uther. Especially if it's you. He would die for you after all".

It was with difficulties that he wouldn't accidentally push his insecurities onto her and question if Arthur's love was unconditional when no one's love was. Especially when it came to magic. She didn't need that, she needed him to soothe her.

Morgana smiled at Merlin and sat down on the bed next to him. She continued to talk about her problems and fears and he continued to listen and give advice and comfort when he could. This was how many of their conversations went, which confounded Merlin sometimes because he didn't always think that he had the right skill set to properly give her what she needed. She either disagreed or was desperate.

It never occurred that she was the one to listen to him. Not due to her being a bad friend, but because Merlin never tried to talk about his own issues. His reasoning why was (1) that she had too much of her own to be able to shoulder his, (2) her issues were just more severe since he could be open about being a magic user (at least to his mother and Will), (3) he wasn't sure she would know how to help him since she seemed to see him as the expert on these issues and (4) he was simply not a person who talks about his worries and thoughts. The way Morgana would look so relieved and lighthearted after easing something off her heart, he couldn't relate. He always felt like absolute shite afterward and deeply regretted ever opening his mouth for some reason. Also, the damn crying. The combination of said crying, the horrible feeling, and the regret… not the most appealing idea.

There was a knock on the door; hard and firm but not urgent or angry.

"It's me", Arthur said and was told by Morgana to go ahead so he entered. "I know you have- hi".

Arthur cut himself off when he noticed the guy in the bed with his sister. He narrowed his eyes and Merlin flew up and onto his feet so quickly that he almost feared that he accidentally used magic. Morgana rolled her eyes at Arthur and smirked, amused at Merlin's reaction.

"Don't be silly, Arthur. Merlin is like my sister", she teasingly assured and Merlin glared at her.

"That doesn't matter, it's improper", Arthur lectured her but she was completely unbothered. "Very inappropriate".

"I apologize", Merlin interjected. "She is my friend, I forget that she is also royalty", was his excuse but he wasn't as worried about being beaten up by Arthur anymore.

Merlin wasn't really looking at him, but at the bed frame. Vision blurring occasionally and he felt a tad bit detached from reality. A certain sudden apathy and disinterest also made him just want to walk out the door and do something else. This would have scared him if it didn't happen so often, especially when he messed up.

"That's not very bright of you", Arthur mocked while giving Merlin a scrutinizing look, but Merlin wasn't sure if any of them noticed his current state (or at least that something was slightly off).

"I suppose", Merlin answered and the other male started to become increasingly annoyed with the lack of attention from him.

Merlin shook his head slightly to remove some of the blurriness and the dream-like state of mind. It worked some but he was still a bit "away" and still didn't want to stay.

"What are you two even doing alone?" Arthur asked and Morgana stood up.

"I wanted some privacy with my friend, you would understand that if you had any".

"Should I leave?" Merlin asked and Morgana looked baffled at the sudden question.

This wasn't the first time the half siblings had their banter in front of Merlin and he usually either joined in or stayed quiet. Normally he would do whatever to appear normal but things had been worse than usual lately, probably because Morgana, the only person who did accept the real him, was so busy. He supposed he didn't have the energy right now to handle an already emotional day.

"You don't have to", Morgana hurried to say. "He is just being stupid".

"Okay… ", Merlin begrudgingly relented. "I think I need to wash my face. I'm a little tired".

"Okay… ".

Merlin left the room and went to do just that. The cold liquid in his face did little to make him feel connected to reality, but it washed the sweat off his face and made him feel a little less gross at least. His habit of trying to get rid of the weird feeling in his nails made a second appearance that day, spreading to the rest of his fingers this time around.

Normally upsetting Arthur wouldn't cause Merlin anxiety since he had a more difficult time feeling bad if he didn't believe he had done something bad. Comments had been made about his supposed lack of empathy but there was little he could do about. Besides, he did care about others, he did. Arthur was one of them. Surely he didn't hurt Arthur in any way, but he did act inappropriately with lady Morgana; being in her bed. Sometimes missing social cues and rules really took a toll on him, reminding him that he was stuck like this; clumsy with his words. The terrible mood he woke up with didn't help either of course. He hoped he would get over it and not be put back in the black hole again, where every little mistake laid itself on a pile, always proudly visible to him to remind him what a mistake  _ he _ was.

"Morgana thinks that I hurt you", a reluctant and unbothered voice said from behind him and he flinched so violently that he accidentally dug his thumbnail deep into his palm (as he was trying to put more distance between the thumbnail and the thumb once more).

He hissed in pain and shook his hand as he turned around to face Arthur.

"Well, you hurt me now".

"You did that to yourself".

"Because you scared me. Where did that courtesy to knock go?"

"Me knocking would have scared you too, with the way you were in fantasy land".

"Perhaps but still, ow".

"You're not even bleeding- Morgana is worried about you".

"Tell her that I really didn't sleep tonight".

Morgana was a good friend but unless Merlin did something very obvious she could never tell that something was wrong. And when she could see that he was down, she never expected it to be anything serious and was satisfied with short and assuring excuses. Sometimes he suspected that she didn't want to know if he had some deep issues in case it would jeopardize things. She probably couldn't confide in someone proven to not be very stable himself, who wasn't this strong person she needed him to be. That's just a theory, of course, perhaps she was just oblivious. It wasn't that he was the best at understanding things that weren't slapping him in the face.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"Sometimes you just can't. It's not that deep. You did not hurt me by suspecting me of being with Morgana. I've been accused of that several times before with way less 'evidence'".

"Well, you two are spending a lot of time together".

"She is one of my only two friends. So I have a lot of time over for her. I don't have any feelings for her and I don't see what the problem is if that was the case".

"She is royalty, a relationship couldn't be", he said in a way that made it sound like he was trying to convince someone else too.

"I didn't talk about her feelings, I talked about mine. If I liked her it's not the end of the world. I would just be a little more hurt when she goes into her tirade about how undesirable men like me are".

"She does that?" Arthur asked, flummoxed.

"Not in a rude way! I'd imagine she would react similarly if someone suggested the same about you too".

"Maybe… ".

"And it's not that insulting. I mean, I am a skinny, nonremarkable person. Everyone can't look handsome. Or at least not  _ generally _ handsome. I know I'm not that people would prefer".

"Alright… ", Arthur uncertainty said, not sure how to respond to that and Merlin did feel bad for putting him in that uncomfortable spot.

"I'm sorry. I made it weird".

"No it's alright", Arthur half-assedly assured before suggesting that they would go back.

Merlin agreed despite just wanting to find a good spot to be alone. Coming here had been a mistake. Why did he think this would make him feel better?

The walk back was longer and slower. It was also awkward but it gave Merlin more time to find a way to try to return himself to reality so things could start feeling real again. The need to press on his nails could preferably disappear along with the weird thoughts too.

"So… ", Arthur said and Merlin couldn't for the life of him understand why he still tried to make conversation. "I haven't seen you paint in a while".

Merlin, who had barely even glanced at him during their walk, now looked right at him with a frown.

"What?"

"You and Morgana used to paint together. I think you were teaching her?"

"Oh, yeah… I already made this weird, I'm not sure if we should talk about this".

"Why not?" Arthur asked, annoyed, and stopped walking.

Merlin was forced to also stop, but so abruptly that he almost fell over his own feet and the blond man snickered.

"Well… if you really need to know… I hate my art, I don't like anything I make anymore and I don't think Morgana likes it either so I don't see why we should keep going".

"That's silly but I can't say that I don't suspect everyone of criticizing me secretly when I'm down".

"She doesn't do it secretly", Merlin corrected. "The only compliment I've received on my art is that I used a pretty color". " _ And the only compliment she had ever given me is that I'm a good friend who helps her… if that really did count as a compliment". " _ The rest is just what's wrong with it and honestly I see it too. Trees don't look as realistic as the humans in the painting, eyes aren't even, poses are too awkward, I don't know how to properly draw certain parts of the female anatomy… ".

"So… just because you have room to grow… it means that your art is bad? Do you have to be as good as you can ever be before your art isn't bad? I don't know much about how it works with art, but similar to art, when it comes to my training I get better the more I do it. But when I look back on my younger days and feel that I used to be quite bad… it's only bad if you compare it to now if that makes sense to you? Yes, I couldn't do what I can do now but I was still good. I could still take down a lot of people and defend myself… and that doesn't sound bad, does it? … Am I making sense?

"And if it means something, I do like your art. I know that it might not mean so much to you since I'm not an artist, but Morgana didn't pick up the brushes that long ago so… ".

"I… ", Merlin really didn't know what to say.

"And if you don't think I'm objective… why is she? Being objective isn't the same as just being negative, especially when there are people who do like what you do. Maybe she forgets to say things she does like about your art or she is-".

"Jealous? Of me?"

"Not necessarily but you have to admit that it's very odd for her to ask you for so much help if she didn't think you were good enough".

"That… I suppose you're onto something. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it? Maybe I'm putting too much weight on someone's opinion for no reason… ".

He wasn't just going to stop being disgusted with what he made but it did feel nice to have someone as blunt as Arthur trying to make him feel better. It did help in ways Arthur most likely didn't realize. Although Merlin was still feeling a little far away from the present he subconsciously stopped fiddling with his nails and he started to feel a little less horrible. Hopefully not much else would happen to bring him down again but the day was still young.

"Perhaps. At least you're putting too much weight on a person's opinion who doesn't seem to have many nice things to say".

"Thank you", Merlin smiles lightly. "For trying to make me feel better".

"I don't want you to feel bad for nothing".

They didn't talk much after that but the silence gave Merlin time to go over certain things. He knew that his friendship with Morgana was rather one-sided. Until now it could be argued that one of the reasons Merlin kept her out of his darkest thoughts was because of some sort of condescension from his part; him not believing that she was strong enough to handle his issues too. But perhaps things with her had been worse than he had thought? He really couldn't remember anything nice she had said to him that wasn't about how much he was helping her. Granted, he didn't shower her with compliments either but he had shown her his appreciation other ways; giving advice and listening to her problems, coming over at odd hours, trying to make her feel better about herself, trying to teach her to paint despite her seemingly only seeing the faults in his work… There are all kinds of different ways to show your appreciation… but he could only recall Morgana basically calling him useful.

Thinking so negatively about a friend didn't sit well with Merlin, but there was something wrong. Not that it actually mattered when you got down to it since Merlin still would be too much of a coward to end the friendship or call her out unless she did something truly messed up. She wouldn't believe him anyway. Merlin knew everyone lacked self-awareness to a certain point, he most likely did it too, but she was on another level.

Arthur didn't stay long after Merlin had returned to Morgana's room. Which spited his mood again, at least slightly since Arthur was the only one who had managed to evoke happy thoughts within him (all while he was having a crisis about her).

When he finally left her room to go back home he felt empty and completely done with human interactions for today. He decided that he would actually pick up the paintbrushes for once since it was a calming activity when he didn't show what he made to others.

"Are you leaving?" A voice behind him asked and once again his heart tried to jump up to his throat.

"Stop doing that!" Merlin yelled out in exasperation as he turned around to face Arthur.

"Stop screaming like a girl every time I just talk!"

"Don't sneak up on me and I might! … and yes, I'm leaving".

"Then I'll come with. I need to walk the same way anyway".

"... you're supposed to ask where I'm going first before saying that you need to take the same route".

"Where would you be going if not home?"

"You don't know where I live", Merlin reminded Arthur and he groaned as he walked over to Merlin and started to push him along.

"Just walk with me, Merlin".

"Okay, okay. Stop pushing", Merlin ordered, putting some distance between them so Arthur would stop making him stumble with every third step he took.

Merlin wasn't the most perceptive person but it was fairly obvious that Arthur wanted to talk about something. Or perhaps he just needed some company as a distraction. They didn't know much about each other, Merlin could only guess.

When they left the castle Arthur finally spoke up: "It's… the weather is nice".

"Am I not allowed to know what's happening?"

"Can't I just want to walk with you?"

"Why would you want to walk with me?" Merlin asked, hoping his cheeks didn't turn red. "No one else available?"

"You can actually be good company when I have things to think about".

"Oh… you need to talk about something?" Merlin prompted, half disappointed that he was just being "useful" again, but also half joyed that Arthur wanted to put his trust in him.

"I don't know… maybe?"

"My ears are open".

"It's… I don't… do you think I am- Never mind, never mind".

"Am what? Rude? Tall? Handsome?"

"I… yes?"

"Okay then yes, no-".

"No- the last one- be serious!"

"I'm sorry! It's a bad habit, I'm sorry. Why would you want my opinion?"

"I shouldn't have asked you".

"No, it's not a dumb question! I misunderstood the tone and was a little surprised that someone like you wouldn't know that you're a very good looking man".

Merlin didn't care if he sounded too interested in Arthur's looks since he was too busy with trying to save the situation from his own fuck ups. The blond man seemed surprised as he cocked his eyebrow with an incredulous look on his face.

"Are you believing that or just trying to-".

"Mostly yes, to the first option I mean".

"You don't see why I should be insecure?"

"No, and I'm sorry for assuming too".

"It's alright… I know this is probably a weird thing for me to bring up with you".

"You wanted someone objective, right? I can be that and, like I said, I think you look good, handsome. If it does actually matter what I think".

"It does, it does", Arthur responded, honestly, with the smallest bashful smile Merlin had ever seen. "I couldn't ask the other guys nor Morgana. They would think I'm silly and she would-".

"Take it the wrong way and go on a rant about how much you're not her type?" Merlin quickly and playfully chimed in and Arthur chuckled.

"I feel like that has happened to you too many times".

"Twice. I'm glad you felt like you could trust me".

"Thanks for not laughing at me… after coming off the initial shock".

"I'm still very sorry about that".

"I'm just being annoying, don't worry… you know that you're not ugly either… no, I mean that you look good too".

They were off the castle ground now and Arthur's words made Merlin uncomfortably warm in the face. Merlin wanted to look away but forced himself to analyze Arthur's features to see what  _ his _ reaction was. It was difficult to read but Arthur did look a little nervous too.

"You don't need to return the compliment to make it less weird for you".

"Why would me complimenting your appearance  _ not _ be what's weird?"

"Fair point… does it feel weird to call me not ugly?"

"I said you were good looking too, not just decent. There is a difference. And no it didn't feel weird".

"Thank you. I don't get compliments like that". " _ So please don't take it back". _

"Me neither… ", Arthur confesses with a small smirk. "I suppose that's why I asked for your opinion ".

Was this bonding? This was bonding. But what kind of bonding? Friendly bonding? Or maybe this was just a one time thing and Arthur didn't want to be more than an acquaintance after this? That saddened Merlin but as long as Arthur got the help he had wanted from him then he supposed that was alright.

"Maybe we both need more complimenting people in our lives. If it wouldn't make our egos grow too much of course".

"You could use some ego", Arthur jokes.

"Self-deprecating isn't the same as ego-less", Merlin pointed out. "And you could use less".

Arthur pushed him playfully as they both laughed. It was nice, it felt genuine for Merlin. The far away feeling was gone and he even forgot that it had been there in the first place. The downside was that he was now occupied with trying to figure out what this conversation meant… and if he was the only one whose heart was beating uncomfortably fast.

"Yeah, you definitely do have some ego. Or else you wouldn't want to be surrounded by people who compliment you", Arthur teased.

"When you put it like that I have to agree… maybe I just need you to compliment me".

"That's only fair, isn't it?"

Merlin smiled through his confused frown. He hadn't expected Arthur to answer like that. In fact, he had assumed Arthur would have insulted him jokingly instead. Perhaps Merlin wasn't looking too much into it after all.

"Since you are my compliment person", Arthur added.

"That is fair".

They kept up their conversation until they started to get close to the village. Seeing some people farther up ahead, Merlin made sure to stop in front of Arthur.

"People will talk and bother you if they see you".

"Are you ordering your prince to leave?"

"No, I'm asking firmly".

"Then I'll see you tomorrow".

"I never agreed to that".

"Are you refusing your prince now?" He asked and Merlin chortled. " _ Will _ I see you tomorrow?"

"If I don't have too much to do at home then sure".

Arthur squeezed Merlin's shoulder with a smile, making his heart skip a beat, before finally leaving him. Some of the empty feelings from before returned but the real threat to his overall good mood was the fear that something would ruin it again. So he made sure to avoid any human contact and took whatever route he could to prolong his journey home. There were things to ponder over so he wasn't bored.

Merlin had always been under the assumption that he didn't have a name for whatever he felt for Arthur. Perhaps that used to be the case and he just had to  _ allow _ himself to feel certain feelings before he could feel them. At least that's how it felt like when he started to go back and forth between Arthur just being friendly and Arthur reciprocating his feelings… if he did have feelings that could be reciprocated? It was so confusing, he didn't understand things like this. This was new. It's not like people usually were all over him.

Eventually, Merlin did drag himself home. He didn't bother to try to wipe the smile off his face since no one ever seemed to notice when his mood changed. Supposedly he was subconsciously very good at hiding it (which was both a good and a bad thing).

The rest of the day, he put a ridiculous amount of energy into keeping his conversations with his mother short and far away from any subject that could cause his mood to go down again. It wasn't easy since a lot of mundane things could be considered big NO subjects. Yes, it made him feel absolutely ludicrous, but he didn't tell her to censor herself so at least he didn't feel like a huge asshole too.

When it was time to finally go back to bed the same familiar fear crept upon him. Everything was quiet so his head started to buzz. 12:20 pm, he finally lied down on his mattress. He was lucky that his insomnia allowed him a draught that would force him to sleep, but it still didn't work quickly enough. Luckily he didn't cry this time around, distracted by trying to cling onto his conversation with Arthur with childish desperation.

* * *

**Day 2**

No dry eyes when he woke up; a welcomed improvement. It took him a second to remember that he actually had a reason to not be as sad for once. Despite still being excited about the "play date" he was still nervous about misunderstanding the entire situation. His habit of pressing and fixing with his nails returned, but his feet started to feel incorrect too; crooked, so he also started to try twisting them and hold them in place when they were placed on the ground. Hopefully, something would distract him from this discomfort soon.

Merlin's mother didn't have to come and get him this time around. Which apparently was seen as a good sign since he got a lot more to do that day. It was fine because it occasionally distracted him from trying to set his nails and feet correctly.

When he could finally make his way to Arthur his ankles were throbbing. Logically he knew that it was wrong, all the twisting, but it still felt odd since he was just trying to correct his crooked feet. His thumbs felt weird too but it wasn't as bothersome as the body parts he literally needed for walking.

Even if he had slept all night he was yawning so much that his jaw cracked and his eyes were unfocused. Being exhausted wasn't new but moving around a lot didn't help.

Awkwardly enough, Morgana was the one to first notice him when he was allowed to enter the castle.

"Did we plan something today?" She asked, genuinely confused and worried about her memory.

"No, no", Merlin assured, chuckling, and she visibly relaxed. "This isn't a surprise visit either. I was going to spend time with Arthur".

"Why?"

She sounded insultingly shocked and suspicious. Did she think he was lying about it to mess with her?

"We're bonding I suppose? You always make fun of me when I mention that I don't have many friends".

"I don't make fun of you, I make jokes".

"No, because that would entail it being funny instead of rude. I'm sorry that I haven't told you earlier but it's not actually fun for me when you laugh at things I'm insecure about".

"I didn't know you were insecure".

"... why wouldn't I feel insecure about not being able to have friends? Or for messing up a painting I was feeling proud of?"

Merlin was tempted to bring up further instances now when he finally started opening this box he had been keeping hidden in fear of hurting her feelings. That old grudge was trying to push everything aside and make itself known again as well.

Obviously he did feel like he needed to take accountability too for not telling her earlier but she must have realized that she could be quite rude… right? She had been devastated when he had accidentally added to her stress a while back ago (which added to his stress too…  _ don't think about that _ ) so she must know that she wouldn't have been able to take the jokes and judgment she made on other people's expense… right? Or was he just overly motherly when he always tried to comfort and assure at the smallest hint of self deprecation? (not that he could always do it successfully of course but he tried).

She had an unreadable expression that only changed when Arthur arrived. Her face broke into a genuine smile and Merlin felt rather unsatisfied with the lack of a solution to the problem he just presented to her. This had been a good occasion to discuss this issue but now he just had to assume that she took it seriously? He could see her feeling bad for hurting his feelings, but also bad for being called out. Time would tell if this actually mattered.

"Forgot who invited you?" Arthur teased Merlin.

"It's easy when you both look so alike", he teased, making sure to only look at Arthur. "So did you plan anything or are we just improvising?"

As it turned out, Arthur didn't have anything in mind when he asked if Merlin wanted to come over and he hadn't come up with any activity since then. For a very new possible friendship, this could cause awkwardness, but for Merlin it was actually fairly assuring. Perhaps he was reaching so far that he was putting a strain on every muscle in his arm, but it was both endearing and maybe confirming that something more could be going on; that Arthur just wanted to be around him and didn't think further than that… or it could mean that he had assumed Merlin would come up with something instead… Why was Merlin so bad at this?

The boys (Arthur) did suggest (decide) that they would train. Even if it wasn't something Merlin would normally like to do he still agreed because he was floating on an infatuation cloud and needed as much time as he could get his hands on to see if he understood what was happening. The bruises painted on his pale skin afterward would be worth it in the end… he hoped.

"Are you sure you're enjoying this?" Arthur asked as Merlin was almost hyperventilating on his knees.

"J-just b-b-", Merlin tried to say but needed to cough and gasp for a few more minutes before he could continue. "Just b-because I'm s-suffering doesn't it m-mean that I'm not h-having fun".

"I'm not sure if that makes sense, Merlin".

"Y-you're still fun to be w-with".

"Even if I'm beating you black and blue?"

"Maybe I can r-r-r-retaliate by painting your face black and blue when I make you p-paint with me?" Merlin lamely joked but Arthur actually chuckled and sat down next to him.

Merlin wasn't exactly sure if they had anything in common but that didn't feel like a dealbreaker. It could also be argued that he didn't have enough "material" to make that assumption.

"Are you passing out?"

"No! My breathing is clearly getting back to normal".

"Maybe we should do something else next time? Something that won't render you barely conscious. Perhaps I should take you out on a hunt?"

"I'm open to trying that", Merlin responded, heart skipping a beat from the mention of wanting to meet Merlin alone again, with carefully chosen words to not show that the suggested activity didn't sound so appealing to him.

"You don't sound very enthusiastic… ", Arthur pointed out and Merlin thought that he could see at least a hint of insecurity.

"I've never done it before. I don't have a frame of reference", he responded with a smile, still being careful with his words.

He liked to think that he was agreeing to something he wasn't interested in at all because he was trying to show genuine interest in Arthur and not just because he was desperate.

"You haven't done anything close to hunting before?"

"The most animal-like thing I've attacked is you", Merlin couldn't help but joke and Arthur playfully hit him on the shoulder (accidentally punched him into the ground and he did look apologetic).

"At least these animals won't attack you back… or maybe you're special like that".

"Are you suggesting that I'll find a way to be attacked by a rabbit or something?"

"Accidentally, yes".

"... you're not wrong".

"Maybe you'll be a good bait then".

"I have a feeling I'll be excellent at hunting then".

"Maybe you're exactly what I need".

"You really know how to make someone feel special".

"You are special. Not everyone can be rabbit bait".

This back and forth banter was a lot more enjoyable for Merlin and not just because conversations usually didn't end up with him covered in bruises (with the exception of the almost dislocated shoulder Arthur nearly caused him). His traitorous heart tried to make him read into his words (especially of him being "needed") too much and he didn't appreciate it… neither did he appreciate how it pointed out how close they were. The space between them wasn't this small before. That he was sure of. His heart was pounding his chest. Was this a coincidence? Was Arthur just trying to hear him better? Merlin hadn't exactly been described as silent.

"Will I also be the perfect bait because I'm skinny enough to pass as a carrot?"

"At least until I've managed to put some muscles on you".

"So you intend on beating me up some more in the future?"

"Until you can at least slightly beat me up back", Arthur mockingly assured and patted Merlin's shoulder in a way that could have been taken as fake placatingly... if the hand wasn't touching the shoulder furthest away from him; making him pretty much wrap his entire arms around Merlin's upper back.

What made it even more obvious that the touch could have been seen a little more as "taking advantage of the opportunity under the disguise of a joke" was that Arthur kept his arm there. With the same grin on his face as to mask how abnormal and oddly intimate the out of nowhere touch was. Merlin didn't dare to verbalize anything about it in fear of breaking something. Perhaps it was breaking his own fantasy or perhaps it was breaking Arthur's confidence in his actions. Obviously Merlin wasn't the best at these kinds of situations but he did know that certain things were fragile and sometimes silence said much more than whatever his mind could come up with.

"I'm glad you aren't believing that I can ever beat you", Merlin sarcastically remarked, knowing well that Arthur was in fact no match for him if both laid out all of their cards on the table.

"You could barely pick up a sword, Merlin", Arthur deadpanned. "And it doesn't look like you intend on keeping up the training outside of here".

"Maybe I like the thought of our private sessions?" Merlin took the leap and suggested with barely any hint of suggestiveness (because he was still a coward).

Instead of making a joke about his comment, Arthur seemed to take it well. His expression was a mix of intrigue and appreciation.

"So you only trust me to be your teacher?"

"You could say that. Or do you  _ want _ me to have less excuses to come around?"

"I suppose I don't", Arthur relented, sounding like a poor attempt at being nonchalant and teasing but the intense look in his eyes told a different story.

The nervousness almost made Merlin want to throw up since he swore they were even closer now. What was he expected to do?

Arthur was slowly tugging Merlin towards him, making Merlin subconsciously shift in his direction to regain balance. Now their shoulders are touching, is this cuddling?

Arthur was avoiding his eyes and just stared at the hill in front of them. Merlin followed suit. His body was stiff and warm from Arthur's heat. Merlin was terrified, didn't even dare to let his already labored breaths hit Arthur. The lightheartedness following his inability to breathe correctly made thinking even harder.

After a few awkward seconds Merlin managed to push away his cowardice and hesitation and mustered up enough courage to lean into the touch a little more. Pathetic that he needed so much strength to do that perhaps, but he still had zero experience.

The lack of said experience also made him reluctant to move too quickly as well since he was treading on undiscovered territory. Despite Arthur not being very used to constant attention from romantic interests, Merlin had it on good authority (Morgana) that he had been in at least two romantic situations. It wasn't a lot in quantity but one of those relationships lasted long to Merlin's standard and put him way ahead. Surely Arthur would realize that Merlin was just a little lost and not in fact acting like this because he was having a panic attack, but Merlin still couldn't calm down yet.

"Are you feeling better?" Arthur suddenly asked and Merlin had to hold back skittish laughter.

"I am… Might be feeling what you did to me later on however", Merlin couldn't help but joke half suggestively while keeping his eyes trained on a particularly interesting spot of grass.

Arthur snorted, to Merlin's relief, and squeezed him tighter for a second. Merlin felt like he was dying at that moment… in a good way of course. He was so into the feeling that he didn't realize that Arthur was staring at him.

When Merlin finally looked back at him and realized the space between them was so small that his breath was on his face, Arthur quickly but also nonchalantly pushed Merlin back. Momentarily Merlin was taken aback by the sudden action, but the sight of a few knights approaching from afar seated most of the hurt he was feeling. Granted, Merlin understood that Arthur would be made fun of but it still didn't feel good. Especially since those knights didn't look like they had even noticed that Arthur and Merlin were there. The blond man wasn't even letting his eyes wander to Merlin for even a second.

After quickly looking up at the sky, Arthur finally acknowledged him again.

"It's becoming dark. I wouldn't want you to go home too late".

"It's already been that long?" Merlin forced out, very confounded and displeased but trying to sound upbeat. "Mother will be worried".

"I'll take you back to the entrance", Arthur murmured and started to leave.

Merlin had to hurry to be able to walk alongside him. No one said a thing which only filled Merlin with more doubts and questions. Had this whole situation been completely platonic and Arthur was just being insecure about what others would think about his masculinity? Or was Merlin completely correct about what was happening and Arthur was insecure but also disappointed in him for being so tense and awkward? That could explain why Arthur was behaving so standoffish… had Arthur wanted to kiss him when he stared at him like that? It looked like it since he had leaned in so close? Did Merlin's nerves and social incompetence ruin their moment? That thought made him feel bad and he started to fix his nails again.

Both stopped just at the entrance. Merlin had half expected Arthur to just leave him there without a word but he stayed there silently, looking like he was pondering over what to do. The option that felt the safest for Merlin was to make a joke to break the tension and leave, but the problem with that was that it would leave him unsatisfied and with even more regrets. Instead he, again, forced his fear to the back and went over to Arthur (quick as to not give himself a chance to back out) and gave him a hug. It was meant to be chaste but Arthur snapped out of whatever stupor he was stuck in and embraced him back, albeit with just one arm. Merlin's heart was assaulting his insides again and his uneasiness and uncertainty triggered his fight or flight reflexes, but it still felt nice. Really nice. The bad feelings he could live without but if this closeness would become more common then he would surely shortly just feel the good feelings. Surely.

All too soon they let go of each other. Merlin smiled bashfully, no doubt looking more than a little goofy, and tried to force out something that resembled a goodbye before leaving. He nearly missed the hesitant and almost inaudible "bye" he received back.

The soaring overwhelming pride he felt over him hugging Arthur was a little dampened when he asked himself if he should have kissed Arthur during the hug or not. Maybe he was just trying to keep himself from feeling that same detached sadness again, but he surprisingly managed to convince himself that it was better if he went with his own pace and  _ try _ to be more affectionate with Arthur one step at a time until it felt more right. Hopefully, since Merlin had never kissed anyone before, he wouldn't have to be the one to take that step.

Merlin's ankles were even more sore than before when he finally returned home. His fingertips weren't faring better either. Yes he had plenty of actual (but not severe) injuries after his bonding session with Arthur but a cloud of shame was only hanging over him for the things he had caused himself. They hurt more in that sense.

His mother, conveniently forgetting that it was the brother and not the sister he had visited, started to prod him with questions. She wanted to get under his skin, which was apparent, but she didn't quite do it in the way she intended to since, again, he didn't like her that way. However, this was much more preferable than her actually using his real object of affection against him. Much more.

Despite the aching in his body, that would surely become worse by the time he woke up again, no tears were shed this time around either. Still, he couldn't stop trying to fix his nails.

* * *

**Day 3**

Bad dreams had plagued him every time he managed to fall asleep that night. Not all of them could count as nightmares. Some of them were grueling, like when he dreamt that he was trying to learn how to bake bread and had to try to hunt down his teacher over and over again with his arms full of whatever dream-him thought was necessary for bread baking. But the teacher (who was a toddler) always managed to be taken away by the mafia… actually it sounded way more ridiculous than cumbersome in retrospect when he had been up for some time and shedded the sweat and tiredness from "running around".

The dreams that were definitely bothersome were the ones that messed with his head. An example of that kind of dream was when he dreamt that someone was pushing another person's face into the wall next to his bed so hard that, not only a print was left behind, but the entire face; looking slightly more alive than a mask. Waking up after that didn't exactly bring him back to reality since his exhausted brain still imagined those two people kneeling on his bed and he just tried to fall asleep again despite that, while trying to tell himself that he was alone. Even when he woke up properly in the morning he couldn't shake the feeling off that actually it really happened, even though he couldn't find any evidence or common sense to explain how what he saw was real. The memory altered dream did wonders to push him into the same detached state early in the day. Exactly what he had needed.

Even if the start of his day was ruined he still had this fluttering feeling in his stomach and a certain warmth from the thought of what he could have with Arthur… no. Merlin, who had been floating in a place between numbing limbo and pink and fluffy clouds fell down to earth  _ hard _ . He had been careless and stupid to forget that nothing could happen between them because of his magic. Arthur would rather execute Merlin than embrace him after if he was to learn the truth. How did Merlin ever think that this was going to work?

They say that it was a good thing when someone makes you forget things you hate about yourself without even trying… but this was outright dangerous. Now he was actually really relieved that he hadn't kissed Arthur, but what was he going to do now? Keep distance? Play oblivious to Arthur's advances? He did hug him for several minutes so it would definitely be taken as Merlin leading him on. This situation would end so painfully. Merlin really didn't want to hurt Arthur but what choice did he have?

With a knot in his stomach, he continued with his day helping around the house. He couldn't leave his nails alone and had even managed to nick one of them. The pain was fine, nothing in comparison to the aftermath of yesterday's training, and it wasn't like that hadn't happened before.

The far away feeling really hit him excruciatingly hard when he was trying to remove a stain he discovered in the worn out carpet in his room. The stain was visibly too old for him to be able to clean up with a moist napkin, but he wanted to look busy so he could be alone and not forced to do anything outside of his own room.

It didn't take long before Merlin's mind became fuzzy. His eyes were glued on the residue spot he had been trying to remove for a couple of minutes now, that sometimes multiplied if he went too long without blinking. His head was a glass of water that had been half emptied. At least that's how he would describe it but it might just make sense to him. Nausea played a painful game with his stomach due to what felt like severe dehydration and everything only barely worked, so his head was not quite empty. He could see but the edges were blurry, he could hear but everything sounded so far away, he could feel the rough carpet underneath his fingertips but the outer layers of skin were numb and he could breathe but every smell had died out. For some reason he couldn't stop staring at that damn stain.

After some time, when he accidentally almost fell but caught himself by putting down the hand he held the napkin with, doubts and questions started to infiltrate his thoughts. But nothing was about Arthur or any other of his current problems. Instead he was questioning if the hands holding him up were actually his or if he really was considered tall since it felt like the entire space around him, that he couldn't see because his eyes were preoccupied, was gigantic.

Merlin's mother was calling for him. It sounded like they were on opposite sides of a massive and alive forest; there was only the slightest echo in her voice and it was drowning into other sounds, like the sound of the candle burning on his nightstand or the sound of his own heartbeat. Even if Merlin wasn't far away enough to not be able to hear her he completely ignored her. It wasn't to be rude or disrespectful, his half empty head simply prevented him from caring about anything that wasn't the stain in the carpet or the feeling of not being in his own body. The rest was insignificant.

A hand on his shoulder brought him back, at least a little bit. Enough for him to stop fixating on his "dead" limbs or whatever he had spilled weeks ago on the carpet and actually acknowledge his mother.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you", Marlin apologized with a monotone voice.

He still couldn't care but at least he could put in at least a tiny bit of effort. She wouldn't realize that something was off anyway.

"You were a little too focused on your task", she joked. "If you feel done with cleaning, Morgana sent someone to ask if you wanted to come over".

Merlin did show her a smile to appreciate that she was on the right track by asking him before promising other things, but it didn't stay f9r long and it was unclear if she had noticed.

"Did something bad happen?" He asked.

"No, it didn't look urgent. It's just the normal messenger boy. Are you asking because you don't want to go?"

Yes, that was the exact reason. Merlin did not think that he was in good condition to be social with anyone, but he was curious about the impact their last interaction could have had. Why did she want to see him and what would she do? Pretend that nothing happened (very possible, but not because she is a bad person) or actually take in the criticism? Going over to her was a gamble since her reaction could either make or break, but he couldn't just ignore her and if it turned out that she decided to try to change the more toxic aspects of her behavior then that could really help him (and her too of course). He was well aware that it was selfish to try to look for comfort in her… wait, no that's exactly what he should have been able to do. The fact that he even thought that he would be bad for doing so made him feel stupid. Yes, he chose not to tell her anything but that was different from outright believing that he didn't have the right to… that  _ thing  _ was really messing with him more than he wanted to admit.

"I'm curious if she does have anything special to tell me", Merlin  _ sort of _ told the truth. "A person like her hears a lot".

"Are you a gossiper now?"

"Not usually but if something bigger happens I believe it's good to know".

"Sure", his mother said, not believing him. "Well. I don't want to keep you".

After a chaste goodbye (and more suggestive comments) Merlin went over to the castle again. It wasn't until he saw the building that he remembered that Arthur lived there too and that awkwardness could ensue. It wasn't easy to think when your head was a half empty glass… now when his mind was a little clearer that metaphor made even less sense but yet he still thought it fit.

When Morgana approached Merlin inside of the castle he didn't know how to act. He didn't want to make it weirder but he didn't want to act like nothing had happened either. She seemed to want to pretend that he hadn't told her that she hurt him occasionally since she smiled brightly and hugged him. That small action made him feel like an idiot for coming over when he was so detached from reality that he wouldn't have cared if she pushed him out of the nearest window instead.

"It's good that you're here to distract me from Arthur being disgusting", Morgana said with a dramatic sigh as she led Merlin into her room and closed the door behind him.

"I'm glad I'm useful", Merlin commented with a chuckle.

The emotions hadn't quite returned to his voice yet but she would probably just assume that he was tired again. He supposed he was but it was definitely a different kind of tired that affected his mood and behavior.

"Of course you are, you are my best friend… but maybe you're starting to become his friend too?"

"Because I spent one day with him?"

"He asked for your expertise didn't he? With Gwen?"

Suddenly Merlin's emotions started to come back to him and he felt more awake.

"What do you mean?"

"He is having a picnic with her. He isn't the most romantic person so I assumed the picnic was your idea".

"No he spent the day beating me up - wait, are you sure it's a romantic date?"

Merlin was thankful for once that his voice was still fairly monotone or else she would have noticed that he was hopeful and desperate when he asked that. He was an insecure person but he knew now that his and Arthur's interactions weren't friendly, especially for a typical brute male-like Arthur who freaked out when he thought that someone had seen their "intimate moment". Romantic affection was lost on him, nor irregular behavior.

"Yes, I'm definitely sure. She was the one to ask him out", Morgana assured, completely oblivious to his struggle, as she walked around her room. "I was the one who told her that she needed to be upfront and really show that she is interested. To my understanding he is more interested in relationships than people so he needs someone to make it clear that they aren't wasting his time. I don't think that's uncommon for a young person our age, do you? But it's still disgusting to see them… especially when  _ I _ don't have a boyfriend… ".

She kept ongoing. Normally Merlin would have been genuinely interested and amused by the conversation and they would have complained about being single together. However,  _ normally _ Morgana hadn't unknowingly kicked him in the chest beforehand. Because hearing all of this, even if Merlin's feelings couldn't count as anything deeper than a crush this early on, made him want to just lie down on the floor and fall asleep until he stopped caring about anything. Merlin was unsure what hurt him the most; Arthur just giving up on him immediately without a care about how unused Merlin was to the mere idea of a relationship or Arthur mostly just taking advantage of Merlin's feelings for him to possibly satisfy the urge for a relationship more easily. Whatever twisted the knife harder, it could have made him laugh outright at the irony that, instead of his illegal magical abilities, it was his nervousness and social incompetence that pushed Arthur away. That was hilarious, it  _ needed  _ to be hilarious or otherwise it would be devastating.

"You're awfully quiet", Morgana commented and Merlin needed a second to remember where he actually was.

"I have bruises, I should be the one taken out for a picnic", Merlin responded, not fully lying obviously.

Usually she would be laughing but her unreadable expression was the only thing he got.

"Are you still angry at me?"

"Angry?"

"For yesterday".

"Wha- I'm not sure you understand how this works. Do you just assume it's enough that someone tells you that you upset them? Do you think the only issue is that I needed to ease something off my heart?"

"No of course not", she meekly muttered. "I just don't understand how much it bothers you".

"So you don't care?"

"No, I never said that! I felt really bad when you told me that I was rude. I've barely been able to sleep".

"And how am I supposed to know that you actually cared about anything I said if you pretend that I never opened my mouth?"

"Just because I don't say anything doesn't it mean that I'm pretending that it never happened".

"Again, how am I supposed to know that you care about me and that you don't want to hurt me if you smile and talk like nothing happened? I'm not going to apologize if my honesty about your treatment of my issues caused you to feel bad or anxious. That's how we are supposed to feel when people tell us we did wrong and then we try to better ourselves so we don't have to feel like that again. You aren't supposed to try to escape from that".

"I do feel regret and I'm not trying to escape".

"But you act like you do and that doesn't exactly show that I'm not wasting my time on this friendship".

The words left his mouth before he could stop them or even realize what he was saying. Perhaps that meant that this was the most honest moment in their entire friendship. She looked horrified like he had already said that it was over. Merlin didn't feel bad and didn't even try to. He didn't think that he did anything bad by bringing up an issue they have had and trying to keep her accountable. Sure the thought of them not being friends anymore was unthinkable since he knew he would miss the memories too much, but he needed to stop being a coward and try to actually make things easier for himself. The complaining had gone on for too long and if the anger over Arthur was what he needed to give himself the strength to do this then at least something good came out of that mess.

"I'm sorry", she finally sighed, not looking at him out of shame. "I should have told you and not just decided to try to fix things silently. I have a lot of anxiety and it makes it more difficult to not take criticism of my behavior as… you know, something bad. And it doesn't feel good to hear bad things about yourself but you're right. I didn't handle this right, I only handled this in a way that would make me feel better. But just so you know, I did- do - still intent on trying to be better. I suppose I couldn't tell the difference between harmless teasing and what I did".

"I can't always tell the difference either when I'm the one talking. I guess we both have to help each other and call each other out more. I don't hate you for being rude, I'm mostly cross because you didn't properly acknowledge it".

Morgana smiled shyly at him but still looked unsure and nervous.

"Are we still friends?"

"Yeah", Merlin said with a relieved chuckle. "We are still friends. We just need to work on communicating and showing that we understand each other".

It was too early still to decide if they had made progress, even though she acknowledged her faults. However, it still felt extremely relieving, like the hand that had been twisting his intestines stopped, at least for a now. This was the first step out of his fantasy, one step closer to something real instead of him just pretending that people cared. Having something "actual" did pull him back from his detached state and he actually started to enjoy the company. Even if she did deliver some very painful news earlier.

It was at that moment he decided that he needed to start bringing himself out further from his fantasy and actually start to talk to people about how he felt. The thought was scary and even made him feel selfish, but his mental health was declining so he needed to do something. Everyone did care about him, so they would at least  _ try _ to understand.

Morgana and Merlin managed to steer into a more lighthearted conversation and he stayed over for dinner. Luckily Arthur wasn't there. Merlin had no idea how he was even supposed to act around him now. It felt like Arthur had ruined their possible friendship too.

When Merlin was on his way home, the strength from how well it went with Morgana disappeared and the anger and sadness over Arthur became stronger. If Arthur had only thought of him as a convenience he shouldn't have led him on like that. Yes, Merlin accidentally led him on too but he would have liked to think that the circumstances were different; Merlin actually had feelings for him. And there was a difference between pulling away to cause less pain (or death if Arthur would spread his secret) and pulling away out of impatience. Had Arthur really expected him to be all over him? Someone who hadn't even hugged anyone for more than a few seconds… at least before yesterday when they said goodbye. It almost made Merlin feel like some sort of virginity had been stolen, a stupid but humorous enough thought that it made him able to laugh at least a little bit about the situation.

That night he went to bed, determined to make changes the next day. Sure the routine of crying himself to sleep unfortunately resumed since he had been played, but at least he was determined.

* * *

**Day 4**

Nausea took hold of Merlin's stomach almost as soon as he woke up since it really didn't take that long before he remembered what he needed to do that day. The urge to postpone everything tried to pull him into a false, but pleasantly warm, sense of comfort. It took all of his strength to not fall for that trap, and most of it was simultaneously also trying to fight against the self hate that told him that he had absolutely no right to be this incredibly selfish and try to "force" anyone to change for him. The thing that worked the best to convince him to stay on the right track was the constant reminder that he needed to make choices that wouldn't just make him see a future, but also keep him in the presence.

Merlin decided to speak with Will first since his mother was more important and difficult to talk with about this. Yes she was undeniably the most understanding of the two but her opinions weigh more. Will's words could hurt but in comparison to hers it would just be a sting… Merlin hoped.

Breakfast with his mother was more awkward than usual since he wouldn't have to be faking anymore soon. No turning back.

After leaving, it didn't take long before he found his oldest friend. The village was quite small after all and Will had his usual places.

"So you're not with Morgana today?" Will couldn't help but tease.

He was leaning against the outer wall of a mostly empty bar. There was no hint of intoxication. Merlin drew the conclusion that he hadn't even entered yet.

"No, I shouldn't neglect my one true love anymore".

"Stop it".

"If you have plenty of comments left then so do I", Merlin smirked with his heart up in his throat thanks to the built up anxiety. "Only you can stop it".

"I'll stop, I'll stop!"

"Good, good".

A lighthearted beginning… here goes nothing.

"I've thought about something", Merlin said just as Will was about to finally go in.

"Can't we talk indoors?" He asked while gesturing towards the door.

"I don't think this is a subject suited for prying ears".

"Is it serious?" Will questioned, looking slightly worried now.

Now when Will stood before him Merlin had no idea how to even begin or what to even say. Was he just supposed to ask Will to stop thinking that magic was a bad thing? He really should have thought this through more.

"For me it is… why exactly are you friends with me?"

"Sorry, what?"

"I mean… I know I make you uncomfortable… ".

"Your silly jokes about you being into me aren't that bad, it's not making me question our friendship or anything-".

"No, I'm talking about my ' _ talents' _ ".

Will hesitated for a moment, regarding him with a look that said; "what game are you playing?"

"Are you asking why I'm staying friends with you? Since you told me about  _ that _ ?"

"Kind of?"

"I don't know, I suppose since we were already friends and I like to be around you… you're also nothing like one usually expect when it comes to people like you… not saying that you're an exception to the rule, I'm just saying that you are a lot more  _ human  _ than everyone thinks you should be".

"But you're still uncomfortable with it and in turn it makes me uncomfortable".

Will's facial expression contorted in confusion.

"Are you saying that we shouldn't be friends?"

"No, I'm saying that there is something I've tried to ignore about our friendship for so long".

"That I'm uncomfortable with your 'talents'?"

"That you have to pretend that they don't exist for things to work, that I have to walk on eggshells around you so none of us will be uneasy?"

"I have never said that you make me uneasy. Am I making you uneasy?"

"Having to pretend that I'm not something that weirds you out makes me uneasy, to say the least. And I can tell that you rather would have me pretend that I was like anyone else just like you do".

Will started to look exasperated. His stance was more tense and the look in his eye made Merlin further question if this was worth it or necessary.

"What do you expect me to do? Get over my feelings? Lie to you? Don't you want me to be honest? Isn't it better if we're not pretending?"

_ Not fantasizing. _

"I suppose I don't want you to be dishonest but-".

"I wish I could understand things the way you do but I can't and I've tried. You're always going to be different in a not so good way and I don't think I'll ever comprehend it. I don't know what you want me to say or what you want me to do about it".

"You know what I am, how can you still be afraid?"

Merlin was proud of himself for managing to say that. His heart was beating furiously, he wanted to throw up, he was twisting his ankles to correct them again, his hands were sweaty and he was smiling in that contorted way with narrowed eyes you did when you were trying to hold back tears. It was pathetic, he  _ felt _ pathetic, but at least he was proud that he didn't just meekly give up (right away at least).

"You are different".

"So I am an exception after all?"

At first it looked like Will was going to burst but he stopped himself, slowly breathed in and out to calm himself a little, before finally opening his mouth.

"Look, we are close friends, aren't we? Doesn't that tell you all you need? It doesn't matter what you have, we are still close as brothers, alright?"

They stared at each other. Merlin wanted to avoid looking directly at him since he was close to breaking down and he knew that Will would be able to tell, but he needed to show some resemblance of strength. Will sighed and took a step closer to him while hesitantly extending his arms.

"I'm sorry… Can I get a hug? You need one too".

The sincerity was off putting. They never had deep conversations (for a good reason clearly) and Merlin hadn't cried in front of him since they were kids. Never being friends who hug (and Merlin being desperate for any affection that would soothe the loneliness) he accepted it by stepping into his friend's embrace. From the outside it could look like Will had truly apologized and that Merlin had forgiven him (and perhaps that's what Will thought was happening) but the truth was uglier. Merlin hates himself for even bringing it up, for finally opening the doors just to invite the monsters deeper inside. He could have ignored the feeling, that felt more like a dull ache in retrospect, but instead he got even more confirmation that Will  _ didn't _ even try. He wasn't slowly warming up more and more, he had just decided that he couldn't and would never understand.

It was easy, convincing himself that wanting Will to accept every part of him finally had been a truly selfish thing to ask for. He wanted Will to step out of his comfort zone and accept something that he had been lied to about for years. But no matter how much Merlin told himself that he had no right to demand more in this world, that he should just be happy with what he got… he was still miserable about having his feelings denied. This wasn't the same as being rejected by Arthur (an insignificant crush) for stupid reasons, Merlin's oldest friend had literally admitted that Merlin was a bad thing. Wherever he could admit it to himself or not. Maybe they were friends, but the friendship was a one-sided lie, a fantasy where both pretended that they weren't deeply afraid of one another. At least Merlin could say that he got out of that fantasy today since he knew for sure now that his friend couldn't care that thoroughly about him. If he cared more about Merlin's feelings than his own he wouldn't have chosen to be "brutally honest" with him. Yes, Merlin didn't want to play pretend but you wouldn't know that it was play pretend if the game was well played. The reason as to why Merlin could tell that his life wasn't honest was because it was rather obvious. Will had always made his dislike of Merlin's kind rather obvious and didn't care how that would make him feel.

"So… ", Will awkwardly said, with a forced tone lightening chuckle, while stepping away from his friend. "Do you want to go in and have a drink with me? I'll pay".

"No I don't think I will", Merlin flatly sighed, looking at the ground now since his vision was becoming blurry. "I have things to do".

Not wanting to prolong this horrid situation, Merlin turned around and quickly left. His voice was starting to shake too and he had to hurry into the closest deserted spot to have a good cry. Deep down he knew that this was a conversation they had needed to have even if he didn't have all of his thoughts collected enough to properly explain what the solution was (did he expect Will to sit down and read books about good wizards all day long?). However, this  _ hurt _ . He couldn't cut the friendship short without both hurting more or without people asking questions, but he knew that this couldn't continue like it had been doing. It was too much to ask, for Merlin to continue pretending, but he had no choice.

For the fifth time, he managed to stop the waterworks. The first four tries had been unsuccessful since even the smallest sad thought would pop up in his head when he was just getting everything under control. His eyes were still watery but he thought that he could return home soon enough.

A stroll around a less occupied part of the village and splashing a large amount of water in the face did wonders. He still felt like shit of course but now no one could tell.

After removing the evidence of his turmoil, he dragged his feet towards his house. He just wanted to hide in his room and paint all day while hoping that the night would stay away longer than usual. Obviously that wasn't a realistic wish to have.

"Welcome home", his mother greeted when he stepped inside the familiar warmth of his home, a place he suddenly didn't want to be at now.

She was preparing lunch and looked genuinely happy to see him like usual.

"Hi, mother".

"You look tired", she commented as she started to cut an onion.

She looked understandably hesitant since that wasn't a very pleasant experience for anyone that didn't have some sort of deep issue.

"Yeah I have a slight headache", Merlin told her, only telling her one of the many, many things that were wrong with him at that moment.

"I hope it's not too bothersome".

"I just need to drink water and rest", he responded, voice returning to a monotone state and the detachment started pulling him away.

His mother looked a bit worried about that.

"Is that so? I told the messenger boy that you would come over if you wouldn't be out all day".

"Why did you do that?" Merlin asked, horrified at the thought of having to be even more social that day.

"You never really say no when you are asked to come over", His mother simply responded, still looking upbeat and not realizing what she had done wrong.

"So you decided to make plans for me without asking?" He asked in disbelief. "I have told you that I hate when you do that".

"I'm sorry. I didn't think it was a big deal".

"So my time isn't a big deal to you? Great", Merlin sarcastically said.

He was not in a mood to be fake polite about people not needing his permission to take his time. He thought that his mother would have known by now since she hadn't made this mistake in a while…. or maybe she did know and was secretly sadistic so she wanted him to suffer even more on this day? The situation would have been at least slightly better if he could have vented to Morgana (if he had to meet her), but he couldn't tell her anything. If she decided to vent to him instead he didn't know how to take it when he was so vulnerable and "gone".

"What's gotten into you?" She asked, clearly more annoyed at him being a little rude than annoyed at herself for doing something he didn't want her to do again.

A voice inside of him screamed at him that he wasn't in a good place and shouldn't go through with his plan, but he just wanted to rip the band-aid off. A small part of him might have been a little hopeful too… hopeful of what?

"Can you truly say that you love me if you're terrified or disgusted with me?" He bluntly asked and she almost dropped her knife.

Her eyes were teary but only because of the onion so it was difficult to know if she was angry, sad or astonished.

"Why would you ask that?"

"You hate that I have magic. It saddens you every time I mention anything about my magic. Can you really love me?"

She was stunned. After a few long seconds, she put down everything, washed her hands thoroughly to remove the onion juice before sitting down in front of him.

"Why would you think I don't? Of course I love you. You're my only son".

"So you wouldn't love me if you had other, non magic, children?"

"Merlin!"

"You asked me why I think like this even if I already explained it. If you do love me, you don't love  _ all _ of me".

She grabbed his hands, unknowingly forcing him to stop trying to fix his nails.

"I wouldn't love you less for any reason. I love you despite the circumstances".

" _ Despite _ ", Merlin repeated, too quiet for her to hear more than a mumble.

"What?"

"I think I need to go out for some air to ease my headache. I'm not in a good mood right now".

His eyes were glued on his arms, again being unsure if they belonged to him. They felt like two dead pieces of flesh that may or may not be attached to his body. A fleeting thought, barely a concern in his numb mind, was that those pieces of flesh would stay on the table when he stood up. Soon he would find out.

"Are you sure? Maybe you should rest?"

"I have somewhere to be, remember? You promised Morgana that I would be there".

A flash of anger passed her eyes before she sighed sadly and retreated back to cutting up the onion. Feeling barely present in his own skin, Merlin stood up and a hint of surprise popped up in the emptiness inside his head when his arms actually followed along. They dangled at his sides like the dead weight they were but he supposed they were a part of him after all. Still, they felt  _ alien _ .

Merlin moves to the door. His hand opened it but he remained not fully convinced that it was real. Without a single glance directed towards his mother, he left.

One foot in front of the other with his eyes glued to the ground. The world felt narrow when he didn't look around but it felt less scary that way.

Logically this had all been a horrible idea, at least the execution. He knew Will was stubborn and had a hard time seeing anything from someone else's perspective and he knew that his mother saw his magic as a disease and she lost her temper unless you were constantly nice… maybe he did all this because he needed something else instead? Something he had not dared to reveal to himself until now? It had been obvious from the start that a happy life was another fantasy after all. Going to Morgana was probably not the best choice to make… depending on what outcome he wanted…

The greetings between him and the guards didn't quite register in his mind, but he supposed it had to have happened. Morgana welcomed him like usual but her touch felt foreign and uncomfortable. He had never been comfortable with unnecessary touching but it was definitely worse than normal. It had never been a huge issue to let her do this before but right now he wondered if she would even care if he told her the truth.

"I have a headache", Merlin said even if she hadn't asked if he was acting differently than usual. "So I might not be very 'awake'".

His voice had slipped back into the monotone tone that usually came up when he was like this.

"I know what you mean", she chuckled but didn't comment on it further.

"Did you want to talk about anything special or did you just want to spend time?"

"I believe one can lead to the other".

"Perhaps", Merlin said.

It felt like he had forgotten how to do this. Was he supposed to ask more questions to figure out what she wanted to talk about? Was he supposed to wait for her to be ready to talk? Was she just bored and wanted one of her closest friends over? He didn't know and he wasn't in the best headspace to care.

"Are Arthur and Gwen still 'disgusting'?" He ultimately decided to ask.

"I usually avoid them so no, not in front of me", Morgana answered, still with a disgusted expression on her face. "Can't you talk to him about being less… you know".

"I don't know for sure but I don't believe him and I count as friends", Merlin explained, uninterested.

"But didn't you spend time together a few days ago?" Morgana questioned, confused.

"We only spend time together  _ once _ and he hasn't approached me since. We are vastly different people so I suppose I wasn't interesting or fun enough for him to keep around. And honestly, I do prefer not having to be covered in bruises all the time".

Still, he had no plans to reveal to her the full truth about that. There was no point in giving her that information and Arthur would most likely deny everything.

"You're not very good at making friends, as you've said, maybe you did something?" She joked.

"Thank you", he coldly responded but she still didn't seem to understand that he wasn't amused.

"You're welcome", she said mockingly and patted his shoulder in a joke friendly way. "I'm always here to remind you".

"Always here to be mean", Merlin corrected and the smile disappeared from her face. "Despite that I told you not to attack my insecurities you still don't get it".

"I'm sorry. I forget!"

"Someone like you needs years… I don't have years… now when I'm not feeling well… I should go".

"No, no, no don't go now! I'm sorry! I didn't know it was a sensitive subject!" She cried, looking panicked yet defensive (even if he had actually told her that he was sensitive about this before). "You never tell me anything!"

"Because you don't deserve to know anything", Merlin spat back, showing emotions for the first time. "I have tried to tell you things".

"No, you haven't!"

"And you hurt me for it".

She looked stunned. He wasn't surprised that she couldn't remember, hell he was astonished when she actually did. Not necessarily because she had a horrible memory, the harsh words usually stayed with those they were directed at and not the ones who created them. So screw letting go of that grudge!

"I have only ever  _ once _ asked you for help when I couldn't stay at home, and you told Gwen that I forced you to let me stay when all I asked was to not have to sleep outside".

"I was in a really bad place, we've talked about this", she said with desperations with tears starting to fall. "I was so overwhelmed with everything that-".

"That you treated me horribly for asking you for a small favor. I suppose it was stupid of me to ask to begin with since you did warn me years ago that I couldn't do that… do you remember what you said?"

She could only sob and try her best not to fall into a panic attack. Normally he would have stopped, assuring her that it was okay and going way and beyond to calm her down. Perhaps this could have been a teachable moment. However, he didn't come here to find any happy solution for himself. Frankly, he already had what he had been looking for; the true confirmation. It wasn't his job to ameliorate her guilt anyway. Even if it was rude of him to throw his grudge at her after all this time.

"You said that whatever you do to me is on me for staying with you. And I've been an idiot for believing it".

Without waiting for her to say something, Merlin walked quickly out of the room. He was quite pleased with himself that he didn't cry until he was quite far away from the castle. It was like if the emotions poured out of him; the guilt from what he had said to everyone, the hurt from the confirmation that everyone just liked their own versions of him instead of liking him for who he was... but also relief; he was finally out of the fantasy, now he wasn't lying to himself anymore.

A small part asked him if it was worth it, if all this pain, anxiety and anger that was twisting his insides until he fell down to his knees to throw up was preferable to his old life. His stomach ached, his throat hurt and a disgustingly sour taste accompanied by pieces of food almost made him continue to cast up, but this had been what he had wanted. What he had needed to finally be brave. Even if this was the worst he had ever felt before.

Merlin's knees were shaking but he still stood up. He spat a couple of times on the ground to get rid of as much of the residue as he could. A moment of clarity reminded him that he should go home, wash himself, get sleep and mend things tomorrow, but would that really make a change? Or would it just take him back to how it was before? He couldn't survive that, he couldn't survive now. But that idea was the safest, the idea he would normally choose. Not this time, not when he wasn't a coward anymore.

* * *

**Last day**

…

**Author's Note:**

> If I can't, he has to


End file.
